I've felt myself break into more pieces than I can count.

I woke up today hoping yesterday was just a huge nightmare, but due to the absence of sleep I know it's not true. For those who have followed my journey for a little while you may remember 'Breeze', the horse we bought three years ago this winter. After nearly losing breeze when she had her field accident, I was too heartbroken to not give her a shot at recovery and we decided to turn her out for a year to let her be a horse while we give her the chance to heal. (This is when we bought Daisy so I could continue riding.)

Two years post injury and this summer we brought Breeze gradually back into work.. and she came back BETTER than ever!! Loving her job, and being more than capable of doing it- at long last all of those weeks of box rest and heartache over what best to do had proved to be the right thing to do- along with having a lot of hope! The bond I had with her on the ground during her recovery transferred to ridden work and every ride felt like magic considering what we'd overcome.

This past week her legs began to swell and with that came a lot of pain and discomfort. With me here in hospital and mum away, my Dad (who isn't horsey and sees a horse less than five times per year) dropped everything at home go visit Breeze and meet the vet on Sunday. An X-Ray revealed severe arthritis in her back leg, the opposite leg to her injured one and further examinations began to throw a lot of warning signs and red flags for how bad things were. She was dosed up on intravenous painkillers and stabled for the night whilst Dad found the words to tell me.

On Sunday night I called mum at home and made sure she knew my thoughts on the situation. My main priority above all is that Breeze is happy and not in any pain, anything else including my feelings or logistics would come second to this. There are many things in life that play out far beyond my control, this situation included. However, as with most things I DO have a choice in how I react to and what I do with the bad situation. It's simply my decision on how I choose to deal with it and my mindset for what takes priority.
Unfortunately things had progressed from bad to worse as the hours went by and there was no option to wait until I'm home or drag it out any longer. And so, yesterday afternoon the decision was made for Breeze to be put to sleep and out of any pain.

I feel utterly useless being in hospital right now, but also so immensely thankful to Debbie & Bryan Willson and Emma at Helsey Farm who have looked after Breeze like one of their own since I was hospitalised. They selflessly took on a role they didn't have to- to help a poorly girl and a poorly horse it seems! Their support and efforts have made breezes past few days a time filled with love, treats and affection- everything I would've tried to do had I been healthy and home. I know we've handled everything in the best possible way, with breezes best interests at heart.

A cuddle from my horses and dogs would mean the world right now especially as I haven't seen them in so long. In the meantime, remaining as positive as I can about focussing on my health and making some plans to look forward to I know that slowly but surely, I'll get to where I need to be. I can't change things, but getting my brain and optimism into gear is the best way to move forward from here. Positive thoughts, positive steps, positive outcomes.
For now though, I feel as though I'm a thousand miles from home and completely lost. But perhaps if things feel pretty bad, they surely can't stay bad forever and there are so many more better times to come- that I need to be healthy enough for!!!
Don't eat too many carrots up there Breeze, and thank you for everything you've taught me!💞

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